Closing the Door…

As I travel through life’s journey, I find myself at yet another crossroads…
…and I’m forced to ask the question…
…can I close the door on love?…

Am I ready to walk away from the very thing that I’ve fought for…
….prayed for…
….cried for…
…for all of these years…

My heart encourages me to persevere…
…but my mind says it’s time to move on…
…is it really worth it…
…what’s it all about…

…I pull…
…you push…
….we love…
…we hurt…
…we break…
…I cry…
…you run…
…time passes…
….I wait…
….We return…
…we love…
…we hurt…
….we break…
…you run…
…I cry…

And the cycle just keeps repeating…
…it seems the story never ends…
Now, I’m forced to ask the question…
…is it really worth it?…
…What’s it all about?…
…Can I close the door on love?…

Is it time to turn the page???

“It is always important to know when something has reached its end. Closing circles, shutting doors, finishing chapters, it doesn’t matter what we call it; what matters is to leave in the past those moments in life that are over.”― Paulo Coelho

“Apology Girl”

I promised myself I would no longer dwell in the shadow of my past…but old wounds have a way of resurfacing, reminding us that we’re not as healed as we think we are…

My apologies for my brokenness…

I surrendered my pieces to God a long time ago…and I prayed he would give me a fresh start…a new beginning…but what do you do when God gives you exactly what you prayed for, but insecurity convinces you that you don’t deserve it? How do you dispel the memories from relationships past that have convinced you that you’re not worth staying for? I don’t mean to be pessimistic, but it’s easy to expect the worst when you’ve become accustomed to things not working out…

Forgive me for my pieces…

I don’t mean to project my insecurities onto you…because I know what we have is nothing like what I had to lose in order to find you… I believe this may actually be the start of something beautiful…but I’m terrified at the thought of having something/someone to lose (again)… and I’m hesitant to entrust my heart to someone new, because I don’t think I can survive another heartbreak…and although I want to give you the very best of me, the shadow of my doubts has me convinced that even my best won’t be good enough…that you wouldn’t be able to accept my truth…that you wouldn’t be able to see past my pieces…and I can’t bear the thought of being disappointed again, nor do I want to disappoint you…so, I push you away…

I’m sorry…

If its perfect love you desire, I can never give that to you…the truth is, I’m a mess…and I just might get it wrong more times than I get it right…but if only you could see past my scars into who I really am, then you would know that I’m worth every bit of struggle we might go through…if you could truly see my heart then you would know, my love may not be perfect, but it’s strong…and it would never give up on you or cause you to feel diminished…and while I can’t undo the pain from your past, I promise to handle your pieces with care…to lead you out of the shadows and to saturate you in the light of the future…I only ask that you would have a little faith in me…and don’t discredit my love before you’ve even had the chance to experience it…I promise, I’m nothing like the before…

Recovery

This is the last time I will write for you, for I refuse to cry another night for you….to break for you, to fight for you, or to dim loves light for you….

Tonight I’ll light a candle in loving memory of loves loving memory, as I reminisce on the good times, that once upon a time drew you near to me…and as time takes the flame, I’ll surrender loves pain…this I will do all in loves name…

“The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new.”- Socrates

For You…

You had me at hello, and then you kept me at goodbye…for you, my heart would smile while all my eyes could do was cry…

From the first kiss I was taken, though we were never as we seemed…and even now as love is languishing, its memory still haunts me in my dreams…

Ours souls united spoke a language of love, that few had ever heard…you wooed me with your poetry, though you never said a word…

I moved to the beat of your drum, though you had no rhyme or reason…for you I weathered every storm, though I knew it was not our season…

You showed me how it felt to fly and then what it was like to fall…for you I gambled everything, only to lose it all…

You held my heart for what seemed an eternity, but when the time came for you to choose…your choice wasn’t me, so in reality I guess you were never mine to lose…

You were the puzzle, yet I was left in a million pieces, that only time can mend…and even though the pain is relentless, for you I would do it all over again….

I love you.

Memories made in the coldest winter…

Before I begin my session of serial blogging, I guess I should first provide a little bit of background information (especially considering that I have neglected my blog for the last four months…sheesh!)…So, at the start of my blog, I shared about the progress I had been making on my journey to wholeness…but…as we know, progress is a process that can often be two steps forward and one step back…Needless to say, fall turned into winter and I quickly found myself traveling backwards on the road to healing (hence the title of my blog post)…Thankfully, I was able to pull it together and get myself back on track…However, this would not be an honest blog if I withheld that piece of my journey…So, with that being said, my next few posts will be things I had written during that dark season of my life…after I post these writings, I fully intend to turn the page on winter so that I can finally embrace the newness of spring…and, YES, there will be newness!;-)

Stay tuned…

Kill it with LOVE

Honesty hour:  For the last few months I have been battling with some very destructive thoughts/emotions such as anger, resentment, shame, regret, guilt, pride and unforgiveness…if you have ever been wronged by anyone, in any way, then I’m sure you can relate to some of these feelings.  Angie Stone put it best when she said, “there’s no hiding place, when someone has hurt you…it’s written on your face…” as well as in the way you act/react, the way you treat people, how you feel, the things you say…I could go on and on…Anyway, these emotions serve to be a major hindrance on my journey to wholeness and healing as they keep me tied to my past.  So almost everyday I have been warring with myself to not feel these feelings and to not have these destructive thoughts…but to no avail…then the other day as I’m sitting at home watching reality TV (don’t judge me), I hear a song playing in the background…that goes a little something like this:

Kill it with love!
Don’t let it hurt you,
Kill it with love!
Don’t let it break you,
Kill it with love!
Nothing can get to you,
All you need to do is
Kill it with love!

Now I’m a firm believer that God can use anything or anyone to get through to us…and in that moment something clicked!  I could feel God speaking to my heart, letting me know the only way to counter these destructive emotions was with loving thoughts and actions…What a simple solution to my problem!  Right?!!!…Wrong!!!  It is definitely not an easy thing to extend love and grace to someone who has not been very loving and who you don’t perceive as being very “lovely”…However, in His Word, God reminds us “love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you…” and if you really need it broken down, the Message translation for this same verse says:

“I’m telling you to love your enemies.  Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst…for then you are working out of your true selves, your God-created selves…If all you do is love the lovable, do you expect a bonus?  Anybody can do that…In a word, what I’m saying is, Grow up…Live generously and graciously toward others, the way God lives toward you.”(Matthew 5:43-48 MSG)

Now, how can you not feel convicted after reading something like that?!!  I once heard it said ‘it’s good to love those who love you, but it’s even better to love those who hurt you…they are the ones who need it the most.’  What a challenge!…but this month I made a commitment to start being intentional about walking in love.  Now, this does not mean allowing myself to be someone’s doormat or holding on to toxic relationships…I’m not advocating for that in any way!  However, I truly believe in the concept that what we give our energy to is what will grow and expand in our lives.  Therefore, I’m no longer going to give hatred or negativity any room to grow and expand in my life.  Instead, I’m going to make a conscious effort to be a vessel of love and light…I know this is not going to be easy because I’ve endured enough pain to last me a lifetime…but I can’t allow my history to dictate my destiny.  I must press toward the ultimate goal, which is to become better…not bitter…to move forward…not backward…to release the past so that I can embrace the fabulous future I know God has for me…

“…and even though I’ve seen some crazy things and felt some heartache, I still believe that LOVE wins…every time…”  -Rob Hill Sr.

Wounded: A lesson in healing

Allow me to share with you a little story about healing…

So, when I was 12-years old I developed a scab on the outer part of my right elbow.  The scab was the result of a mosquito bite which I didn’t allow to heal properly (but that’s neither here nor there).  I had to deal with this unsightly black scab on my elbow for approximately 16 years!!!  I consulted with my Doctor on many occasions and every time her advice was the same, “just leave it alone…stop picking at it…it will heal on its own.”  For awhile I would take her advice (and when I say awhile, I mean a few days)…I would leave the scab alone, I wouldn’t pick at it….However, after a few days, I would become bothered looking at the huge black dot on my elbow and I would start picking at it again!  Honestly, I had this scab for so many years I did not think it would be possible for it to ever heal.   Finally, I became so flustered that I went to my Doctor and said, “I need the information for a plastic surgeon…this thing is never gonna heal…I have to get it removed…its been way too long!”  The Doctor gave me the information for the plastic surgeon, along with the same advice she had been giving me all along…to keep my hands off of the scab and allow it to heal naturally…

Moral of the Story…

In the above story, I’m talking about physical healing but how much is this just like our capacity to heal emotionally?  How many times have you found yourself struggling to overcome a wounded heart?  How many times have you allowed doubt to convince you that God is not going to heal you because, if He were going to heal you, he would’ve done it already?  How many emotional scabs have you prevented God from healing because you refused to stop picking at them?  How many times have you grown weary waiting for the Lord? And when weariness set in, you looked to something or someone to heal you of your hurts instead of looking to God?

On my journey to wholeness and healing, one of the biggest lessons I’ve had to learn is patience.  As a believer, there are a few things being patient entails: trusting God’s timing; being still; and persevering in spite of difficulty.  It’s Gods desire to see us healed and to restore us to wholeness.  However, just as a physical wound won’t heal overnight, neither will a broken heart.  Healing takes time…and everything happens in the Lord’s perfect timing and not a second sooner.  Some of us may come to a place of healing in 16 weeks, others 16 months, while for some of us it may just take 16 years…Hence, the importance of perseverance.  We must not allow doubt to convince us that God has forgotten about us…that God can’t or won’t heal us.  God hears all of our prayers, He sees all of our tears and He WILL heal us! (2 Kings 20:5).  There is no heartbreak too great for God to heal but we must allow Him to work in us.  Nothing hinders the work of the Holy Spirit in our lives more than unrest and disobedience.  We spend so much time on the frontline trying to fight our own battles when all God wants us to do is lay down our weapons and look to Him.  The Word tells us to leave our troubles with the Lord and He will defend us (Psalm 55:22 MSG).  God is not impressed with our efforts, nor does He need our assistance.  Many times we prolong our healing by getting in God’s way.  I walked around with a physical wound for 16 years because I refused to allow it to heal on its own.  Likewise, I’ve walked around with emotional wounds for several years because I refused to allow God to deal with them.  As cliché as it may sound we really must learn to let go and let God.  I know this is no easy task because no one wants to feel hurt…that’s why we look for a quick fix…but, I have learned, it’s in the ‘letting go’ that we come to know peace and it’s in the ‘letting God’ that we come to know healing… and once God’s healing power begins to work in us, and through us, it enables us to release our past so that we may move forward into our divine destiny…

For those who want to know how the story ends (don’t worry, I wasn’t gonna leave you hanging), this year I actually did take my Doctor’s advice and I stopped picking at my scab…and it finally healed!!!  Now, isn’t this just what God will do with our broken heart if we stop trying to mend it ourselves and give it over to Him???

 “You make all things new and I will follow you…forward”