“Apology Girl”

I promised myself I would no longer dwell in the shadow of my past…but old wounds have a way of resurfacing, reminding us that we’re not as healed as we think we are…

My apologies for my brokenness…

I surrendered my pieces to God a long time ago…and I prayed he would give me a fresh start…a new beginning…but what do you do when God gives you exactly what you prayed for, but insecurity convinces you that you don’t deserve it? How do you dispel the memories from relationships past that have convinced you that you’re not worth staying for? I don’t mean to be pessimistic, but it’s easy to expect the worst when you’ve become accustomed to things not working out…

Forgive me for my pieces…

I don’t mean to project my insecurities onto you…because I know what we have is nothing like what I had to lose in order to find you… I believe this may actually be the start of something beautiful…but I’m terrified at the thought of having something/someone to lose (again)… and I’m hesitant to entrust my heart to someone new, because I don’t think I can survive another heartbreak…and although I want to give you the very best of me, the shadow of my doubts has me convinced that even my best won’t be good enough…that you wouldn’t be able to accept my truth…that you wouldn’t be able to see past my pieces…and I can’t bear the thought of being disappointed again, nor do I want to disappoint you…so, I push you away…

I’m sorry…

If its perfect love you desire, I can never give that to you…the truth is, I’m a mess…and I just might get it wrong more times than I get it right…but if only you could see past my scars into who I really am, then you would know that I’m worth every bit of struggle we might go through…if you could truly see my heart then you would know, my love may not be perfect, but it’s strong…and it would never give up on you or cause you to feel diminished…and while I can’t undo the pain from your past, I promise to handle your pieces with care…to lead you out of the shadows and to saturate you in the light of the future…I only ask that you would have a little faith in me…and don’t discredit my love before you’ve even had the chance to experience it…I promise, I’m nothing like the before…

Recovery

This is the last time I will write for you, for I refuse to cry another night for you….to break for you, to fight for you, or to dim loves light for you….

Tonight I’ll light a candle in loving memory of loves loving memory, as I reminisce on the good times, that once upon a time drew you near to me…and as time takes the flame, I’ll surrender loves pain…this I will do all in loves name…

“The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new.”- Socrates

For You…

You had me at hello, and then you kept me at goodbye…for you, my heart would smile while all my eyes could do was cry…

From the first kiss I was taken, though we were never as we seemed…and even now as love is languishing, its memory still haunts me in my dreams…

Ours souls united spoke a language of love, that few had ever heard…you wooed me with your poetry, though you never said a word…

I moved to the beat of your drum, though you had no rhyme or reason…for you I weathered every storm, though I knew it was not our season…

You showed me how it felt to fly and then what it was like to fall…for you I gambled everything, only to lose it all…

You held my heart for what seemed an eternity, but when the time came for you to choose…your choice wasn’t me, so in reality I guess you were never mine to lose…

You were the puzzle, yet I was left in a million pieces, that only time can mend…and even though the pain is relentless, for you I would do it all over again….

I love you.

Precipitation

Your love was like the rain…it washed away every painful memory from loves past and breathed new life into my heart…then flowers started to bloom…your love did that for me…

But suddenly, storm clouds started to gather…then out poured loves pain, like a hurricane, destroying everything in its path…including me…there was no safety net for me…no time to find shelter…all I could do was stand by and watch my world crumble…your love did that to me….

Your love brought April showers in July…it quickly turned my summer into fall…it was the coldest winter ever…the saddest season I’ve ever had to endure…and I don’t know if I’ll ever stop crying…and I don’t think it will ever stop raining…

Wounded: A lesson in healing

Allow me to share with you a little story about healing…

So, when I was 12-years old I developed a scab on the outer part of my right elbow.  The scab was the result of a mosquito bite which I didn’t allow to heal properly (but that’s neither here nor there).  I had to deal with this unsightly black scab on my elbow for approximately 16 years!!!  I consulted with my Doctor on many occasions and every time her advice was the same, “just leave it alone…stop picking at it…it will heal on its own.”  For awhile I would take her advice (and when I say awhile, I mean a few days)…I would leave the scab alone, I wouldn’t pick at it….However, after a few days, I would become bothered looking at the huge black dot on my elbow and I would start picking at it again!  Honestly, I had this scab for so many years I did not think it would be possible for it to ever heal.   Finally, I became so flustered that I went to my Doctor and said, “I need the information for a plastic surgeon…this thing is never gonna heal…I have to get it removed…its been way too long!”  The Doctor gave me the information for the plastic surgeon, along with the same advice she had been giving me all along…to keep my hands off of the scab and allow it to heal naturally…

Moral of the Story…

In the above story, I’m talking about physical healing but how much is this just like our capacity to heal emotionally?  How many times have you found yourself struggling to overcome a wounded heart?  How many times have you allowed doubt to convince you that God is not going to heal you because, if He were going to heal you, he would’ve done it already?  How many emotional scabs have you prevented God from healing because you refused to stop picking at them?  How many times have you grown weary waiting for the Lord? And when weariness set in, you looked to something or someone to heal you of your hurts instead of looking to God?

On my journey to wholeness and healing, one of the biggest lessons I’ve had to learn is patience.  As a believer, there are a few things being patient entails: trusting God’s timing; being still; and persevering in spite of difficulty.  It’s Gods desire to see us healed and to restore us to wholeness.  However, just as a physical wound won’t heal overnight, neither will a broken heart.  Healing takes time…and everything happens in the Lord’s perfect timing and not a second sooner.  Some of us may come to a place of healing in 16 weeks, others 16 months, while for some of us it may just take 16 years…Hence, the importance of perseverance.  We must not allow doubt to convince us that God has forgotten about us…that God can’t or won’t heal us.  God hears all of our prayers, He sees all of our tears and He WILL heal us! (2 Kings 20:5).  There is no heartbreak too great for God to heal but we must allow Him to work in us.  Nothing hinders the work of the Holy Spirit in our lives more than unrest and disobedience.  We spend so much time on the frontline trying to fight our own battles when all God wants us to do is lay down our weapons and look to Him.  The Word tells us to leave our troubles with the Lord and He will defend us (Psalm 55:22 MSG).  God is not impressed with our efforts, nor does He need our assistance.  Many times we prolong our healing by getting in God’s way.  I walked around with a physical wound for 16 years because I refused to allow it to heal on its own.  Likewise, I’ve walked around with emotional wounds for several years because I refused to allow God to deal with them.  As cliché as it may sound we really must learn to let go and let God.  I know this is no easy task because no one wants to feel hurt…that’s why we look for a quick fix…but, I have learned, it’s in the ‘letting go’ that we come to know peace and it’s in the ‘letting God’ that we come to know healing… and once God’s healing power begins to work in us, and through us, it enables us to release our past so that we may move forward into our divine destiny…

For those who want to know how the story ends (don’t worry, I wasn’t gonna leave you hanging), this year I actually did take my Doctor’s advice and I stopped picking at my scab…and it finally healed!!!  Now, isn’t this just what God will do with our broken heart if we stop trying to mend it ourselves and give it over to Him???

 “You make all things new and I will follow you…forward”

Divine 29

October 6, 2013…this date marks a very special time in my life…my 29th birthday!!!  I know many people will read this and wonder “what’s so special about turning 29…it’s not even a milestone!”  However, for me, it’s just that…Allow me to elaborate…

You see, I have entered every year of my twenties in a state of complete and utter brokenness…and every year I have had the same resolution “nothing broken, nothing broken, nothing broken…”  For the first part of the year, I’ll do okay…I’ll be reading the Word, focused on the Lord and that goal of “nothing broken” doesn’t seem so out of reach…but then, somewhere along the way, life happens…and I find myself right back at start!  So, how do I end up here?  What makes this year so different?  Well, a couple of months before my 29th birthday, life dealt me another painful blow…and I found myself at a crossroads…I could either continue on my same path, which has led to nothing more than brokenness, rejection and heartache…or I could choose a new path…a path less traveled…the path that leads to wholeness and healing.  If you’re guessing I chose the second path…then you, my friend, have guessed correctly!!!

So, October 6, 2013, was not just my 29th birthday…it also marked the beginning of a new life for me…a fresh start…a new season.  This year, I have resolved in my heart to place my total confidence in God and his goal for my life! I’ve surrendered my broken pieces to Him and I trust he will put me back together, better than I’ve ever been before!  What’s more than that, I’m trusting him to bring me peace as I travel down this rocky road, on my journey to wholeness and healing.  I’m so excited and I believe this is going to be a very special year…a year unlike any other…a year of breakthrough…a year of wonder…Hence, the birth of my blog:-)

“Leave the broken, irreversible past in God’s hands, and step out into the invincible future with Him.” Oswald Chambers