And the cycle just keeps repeating…
…it seems the story never ends…
Now, I’m forced to ask the question…
…is it really worth it?…
…What’s it all about?…
…Can I close the door on love?…
Is it time to turn the page???
“It is always important to know when something has reached its end. Closing circles, shutting doors, finishing chapters, it doesn’t matter what we call it; what matters is to leave in the past those moments in life that are over.”― Paulo Coelho
I promised myself I would no longer dwell in the shadow of my past…but old wounds have a way of resurfacing, reminding us that we’re not as healed as we think we are…
My apologies for my brokenness…
I surrendered my pieces to God a long time ago…and I prayed he would give me a fresh start…a new beginning…but what do you do when God gives you exactly what you prayed for, but insecurity convinces you that you don’t deserve it? How do you dispel the memories from relationships past that have convinced you that you’re not worth staying for? I don’t mean to be pessimistic, but it’s easy to expect the worst when you’ve become accustomed to things not working out…
Forgive me for my pieces…
I don’t mean to project my insecurities onto you…because I know what we have is nothing like what I had to lose in order to find you… I believe this may actually be the start of something beautiful…but I’m terrified at the thought of having something/someone to lose (again)… and I’m hesitant to entrust my heart to someone new, because I don’t think I can survive another heartbreak…and although I want to give you the very best of me, the shadow of my doubts has me convinced that even my best won’t be good enough…that you wouldn’t be able to accept my truth…that you wouldn’t be able to see past my pieces…and I can’t bear the thought of being disappointed again, nor do I want to disappoint you…so, I push you away…
I’m sorry…
If its perfect love you desire, I can never give that to you…the truth is, I’m a mess…and I just might get it wrong more times than I get it right…but if only you could see past my scars into who I really am, then you would know that I’m worth every bit of struggle we might go through…if you could truly see my heart then you would know, my love may not be perfect, but it’s strong…and it would never give up on you or cause you to feel diminished…and while I can’t undo the pain from your past, I promise to handle your pieces with care…to lead you out of the shadows and to saturate you in the light of the future…I only ask that you would have a little faith in me…and don’t discredit my love before you’ve even had the chance to experience it…I promise, I’m nothing like the before…
You had me at hello, and then you kept me at goodbye…for you, my heart would smile while all my eyes could do was cry…
From the first kiss I was taken, though we were never as we seemed…and even now as love is languishing, its memory still haunts me in my dreams…
Ours souls united spoke a language of love, that few had ever heard…you wooed me with your poetry, though you never said a word…
I moved to the beat of your drum, though you had no rhyme or reason…for you I weathered every storm, though I knew it was not our season…
You showed me how it felt to fly and then what it was like to fall…for you I gambled everything, only to lose it all…
You held my heart for what seemed an eternity, but when the time came for you to choose…your choice wasn’t me, so in reality I guess you were never mine to lose…
You were the puzzle, yet I was left in a million pieces, that only time can mend…and even though the pain is relentless, for you I would do it all over again….
Your love was like the rain…it washed away every painful memory from loves past and breathed new life into my heart…then flowers started to bloom…your love did that for me…
But suddenly, storm clouds started to gather…then out poured loves pain, like a hurricane, destroying everything in its path…including me…there was no safety net for me…no time to find shelter…all I could do was stand by and watch my world crumble…your love did that to me….
Your love brought April showers in July…it quickly turned my summer into fall…it was the coldest winter ever…the saddest season I’ve ever had to endure…and I don’t know if I’ll ever stop crying…and I don’t think it will ever stop raining…
I was 20 years young. I don’t remember the date or the time but I remember the pain just like it was yesterday. I was lying in bed, ears full of tears as they streamed down my face. My thoughts raced, “where is he?” “why hasn’t he returned any of my phone calls?” “I hope he’s okay.” The “he” I’m referring to, was my boyfriend of nearly five years. He and I were actually living together at the time but he hadn’t been home, nor had I heard from him, in days. I was calling his phone like a crazy person, leaving messages, but all of my calls went unanswered. I didn’t know what to do. Then the phone rang. I looked and saw his name flash across my cell phone screen. Hurriedly, I answered the phone. He said he had been staying at a friend’s home and that he wasn’t returning my calls because he “didn’t feel like being bothered with [me].” He then proceeded to tell me he didn’t know when he was coming home and hung up the phone…and I cried…
“As we get older, we look for a man who will bestow on us a sense of beauty and belonging, a sense of being chosen and wanted…” (Renee Swope, A Confident Heart)
I know a lot of people who read this will think I was pretty pathetic…and I was…but before I continue with my story, allow me to give you a little background…As I stated previously, my boyfriend and I had been together for nearly five years (two of which we lived together). We met my junior year in high school and, although our relationship was full of ups and downs, we had remained pretty much inseparable since that time. Throughout my adolescence I struggled with low self-esteem and self-worth issues…and you may as well go ahead and add middle child syndrome and Daddy issues to the list! You see, “he” was the first person who ever made me feel beautiful…“he” was the first man who ever told me he loved me…“he” was my best friend…and, for the longest time, I thought “he” was my soul mate. However, as time went on, my love story turned into a nightmare and, what was once an enchanting romance, became toxic and tumultuous. Don’t get me wrong, I’m very much a realist and I knew my relationship was dying at least two years before it officially ended. I also knew “he” and I were not compatible anymore. He was not a bad person, by any means, but he most certainly was not the person I was supposed to end up with…this much I knew. So, I didn’t stay with him for so many years because I was head over heels in love…I stayed because “he” was all I knew. Our relationship had become my identity…my false God…and without it I had nothing…I was nothing. So I stayed…even when the love began to dissipate…because to lose “he” meant to lose “us”…and to lose “us” meant I went back to being that depressed adolescent girl…with no value…curled up in the fetal position, on my canopy bed, in my one bedroom apartment…alone…
“Our hearts leak and we will always end up empty when we find our worth in anything but who we are in Christ.” (Renee Swope, A Confident Heart)
So I cried…I cried until silent streams of tears turned into gut-wrenching sobs…I cried until it hurt…until dying began to look a lot more attractive then living. Once I came to the realization I had hit rock bottom, I dropped down to my knees (literally), threw my hands up and cried out to God. That following Sunday I went to church (something I hadn’t done in years) and I’ll never forget, the theme of the sermon that day was “Get up…Arise!!!” It was as if the Lord had hand-picked the message just for me! So, that’s just what I did…I got up….took up my mat (John 5:6-9)…and walked straight into the arms of the Lord!!!
…And then I lived happily ever after…
…Or at least I wish this was how it happened. In her book “A Confident Heart” author Renee Swope talks about how women desire unfailing love…love that doesn’t fail even when we do…love we can never lose. This type of love is very much what I longed for. Yet, even after I surrendered my heart to Christ, I failed to realize Christ was the only source where I could receive this unfailing love. So, I found myself walking with God, for years, with doubt on one shoulder and faith on the other. You see, I had no doubt in my mind that God loved me, with an unconditional love. However, I seriously doubted this love would be enough to fill the gaping holes in my heart. So, I continued to search the world for something or someone that could “fill my cup.” I was with…and I was without. My relentless search for unfailing love led me to one toxic relationship after another until, like the Samaritan woman, I found myself right back at the well…with an empty cup and a scattered heart…Oh, but the goodness of the Lord!!! Even in my disobedience…even in my rebellion…the Lord didn’t turn his back on me! In fact, I could hear the voice of the Lord saying, “Return to me and I will return to you,” (Zechariah 1:3)….and when I returned to the well, Jesus was waiting there with open arms…waiting to heal my broken heart and to fill my cup with his all-conquering, everlasting, unfailing love! Who wouldn’t serve a God like that?!!!!
The Wonder Year... 