Closing the Door…

As I travel through life’s journey, I find myself at yet another crossroads…
…and I’m forced to ask the question…
…can I close the door on love?…

Am I ready to walk away from the very thing that I’ve fought for…
….prayed for…
….cried for…
…for all of these years…

My heart encourages me to persevere…
…but my mind says it’s time to move on…
…is it really worth it…
…what’s it all about…

…I pull…
…you push…
….we love…
…we hurt…
…we break…
…I cry…
…you run…
…time passes…
….I wait…
….We return…
…we love…
…we hurt…
….we break…
…you run…
…I cry…

And the cycle just keeps repeating…
…it seems the story never ends…
Now, I’m forced to ask the question…
…is it really worth it?…
…What’s it all about?…
…Can I close the door on love?…

Is it time to turn the page???

“It is always important to know when something has reached its end. Closing circles, shutting doors, finishing chapters, it doesn’t matter what we call it; what matters is to leave in the past those moments in life that are over.”― Paulo Coelho

We Are One

A little nostalgia…because I’m an old soul…who is feeling a little bit homesick…

Can’t understand
Why we treat each other in this way
Taking up time
With the silly silly games we play
We’ve got our love
And no matter how it’s said or done…

We are one
No matter what we do
We are one
Love will see us through
We are one
And that’s the way it is…

Sometimes I feel
That we try and make each other sad
The things we do
How we make each other feel so bad
We’ve got so much
We could all be having so much fun…

We are one
From the very start
We are one
Deep down in your heart
We are one
And that’s the way it is…

I Can’t understand
Why we treat each other in this way
Taking up time
With the silly silly games we play
We’ve got our love
And no matter how it’s said or done…

We are one
No matter what we do
We are one
Love will see us through
We are one
And that’s the way it is…

“Apology Girl”

I promised myself I would no longer dwell in the shadow of my past…but old wounds have a way of resurfacing, reminding us that we’re not as healed as we think we are…

My apologies for my brokenness…

I surrendered my pieces to God a long time ago…and I prayed he would give me a fresh start…a new beginning…but what do you do when God gives you exactly what you prayed for, but insecurity convinces you that you don’t deserve it? How do you dispel the memories from relationships past that have convinced you that you’re not worth staying for? I don’t mean to be pessimistic, but it’s easy to expect the worst when you’ve become accustomed to things not working out…

Forgive me for my pieces…

I don’t mean to project my insecurities onto you…because I know what we have is nothing like what I had to lose in order to find you… I believe this may actually be the start of something beautiful…but I’m terrified at the thought of having something/someone to lose (again)… and I’m hesitant to entrust my heart to someone new, because I don’t think I can survive another heartbreak…and although I want to give you the very best of me, the shadow of my doubts has me convinced that even my best won’t be good enough…that you wouldn’t be able to accept my truth…that you wouldn’t be able to see past my pieces…and I can’t bear the thought of being disappointed again, nor do I want to disappoint you…so, I push you away…

I’m sorry…

If its perfect love you desire, I can never give that to you…the truth is, I’m a mess…and I just might get it wrong more times than I get it right…but if only you could see past my scars into who I really am, then you would know that I’m worth every bit of struggle we might go through…if you could truly see my heart then you would know, my love may not be perfect, but it’s strong…and it would never give up on you or cause you to feel diminished…and while I can’t undo the pain from your past, I promise to handle your pieces with care…to lead you out of the shadows and to saturate you in the light of the future…I only ask that you would have a little faith in me…and don’t discredit my love before you’ve even had the chance to experience it…I promise, I’m nothing like the before…

Goodbye Yesterday, Hello Tomorrow (my 10 minute writing assignment)

I used to be consumed by yesterday, until God blessed me with a new tomorrow…and I live in that tomorrow, today….and now days that were once filled with darkness, tears and unspeakable pain are colored in love and filled with promise…tomorrow has unburdened my heart and given me new inspiration….

At first I thought there was no room in my life for a new tomorrow…I thought tomorrow was merely a band-aid, a temporary fix, that I could use to hold me over until yesterday began again…You see, I had lived in yesterday for so long that the sickness began to feel like the cure and I had convinced myself that yesterday was where I belonged…Then I found myself staring tomorrow in the face and suddenly it all became clear…

“If you’re brave enough to say good bye, life will reward you with a new hello.”- Paulo Coelho

For You…

You had me at hello, and then you kept me at goodbye…for you, my heart would smile while all my eyes could do was cry…

From the first kiss I was taken, though we were never as we seemed…and even now as love is languishing, its memory still haunts me in my dreams…

Ours souls united spoke a language of love, that few had ever heard…you wooed me with your poetry, though you never said a word…

I moved to the beat of your drum, though you had no rhyme or reason…for you I weathered every storm, though I knew it was not our season…

You showed me how it felt to fly and then what it was like to fall…for you I gambled everything, only to lose it all…

You held my heart for what seemed an eternity, but when the time came for you to choose…your choice wasn’t me, so in reality I guess you were never mine to lose…

You were the puzzle, yet I was left in a million pieces, that only time can mend…and even though the pain is relentless, for you I would do it all over again….

I love you.

Unrequited Love

If you were here right now, I would tell you that I love you…but you see, the love that I have for you is not an ordinary love…no, it’s very different…the love that I have for you is not the kind of love that exist between a boy and a girl…not even between a husband and a wife…it’s not a love that you’ve earned…nor is it a love that you deserve…and it’s definitely not the kind of love that you’re used to…it’s the kind of love that catches you by surprise, and changes your life forever…

It’s not a fairytale type of love that you cling to because you feel it in your heart…no, it’s the kind of love that originates in the depths of your soul and clings to you…an unshakable kind of love…the kind of love that puts a song in your heart while simultaneously putting a tear in your eye…the kind of love that fills you up with pain, anger and confusion…but that also brings you insurmountable joy…the kind of love you fight for no matter what the cost…and when it’s gone, the type of love that keeps you reeling from the loss…

A love few have ever known or heard about…you won’t read about it in a book…or hear about it in a song…no words can capture the true essence of this love…not even Webster’s can define it…a love so powerful it wakes you up in the middle of the night, just so you can write about it…no, it’s definitely not the kind of love that I’m used to…it’s a love that’s strong enough to move mountains…but like a mountain it remains…steadfast…immovable …a love that endures even when we don’t…

It is a painful, devastating, earth shattering type of love…a heart breaking kind of love… a love few would be able to understand…a love neither you nor I can comprehend…a love that was born in the darkest of places…a love that will never know a happy ending…

Kill it with LOVE

Honesty hour:  For the last few months I have been battling with some very destructive thoughts/emotions such as anger, resentment, shame, regret, guilt, pride and unforgiveness…if you have ever been wronged by anyone, in any way, then I’m sure you can relate to some of these feelings.  Angie Stone put it best when she said, “there’s no hiding place, when someone has hurt you…it’s written on your face…” as well as in the way you act/react, the way you treat people, how you feel, the things you say…I could go on and on…Anyway, these emotions serve to be a major hindrance on my journey to wholeness and healing as they keep me tied to my past.  So almost everyday I have been warring with myself to not feel these feelings and to not have these destructive thoughts…but to no avail…then the other day as I’m sitting at home watching reality TV (don’t judge me), I hear a song playing in the background…that goes a little something like this:

Kill it with love!
Don’t let it hurt you,
Kill it with love!
Don’t let it break you,
Kill it with love!
Nothing can get to you,
All you need to do is
Kill it with love!

Now I’m a firm believer that God can use anything or anyone to get through to us…and in that moment something clicked!  I could feel God speaking to my heart, letting me know the only way to counter these destructive emotions was with loving thoughts and actions…What a simple solution to my problem!  Right?!!!…Wrong!!!  It is definitely not an easy thing to extend love and grace to someone who has not been very loving and who you don’t perceive as being very “lovely”…However, in His Word, God reminds us “love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you…” and if you really need it broken down, the Message translation for this same verse says:

“I’m telling you to love your enemies.  Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst…for then you are working out of your true selves, your God-created selves…If all you do is love the lovable, do you expect a bonus?  Anybody can do that…In a word, what I’m saying is, Grow up…Live generously and graciously toward others, the way God lives toward you.”(Matthew 5:43-48 MSG)

Now, how can you not feel convicted after reading something like that?!!  I once heard it said ‘it’s good to love those who love you, but it’s even better to love those who hurt you…they are the ones who need it the most.’  What a challenge!…but this month I made a commitment to start being intentional about walking in love.  Now, this does not mean allowing myself to be someone’s doormat or holding on to toxic relationships…I’m not advocating for that in any way!  However, I truly believe in the concept that what we give our energy to is what will grow and expand in our lives.  Therefore, I’m no longer going to give hatred or negativity any room to grow and expand in my life.  Instead, I’m going to make a conscious effort to be a vessel of love and light…I know this is not going to be easy because I’ve endured enough pain to last me a lifetime…but I can’t allow my history to dictate my destiny.  I must press toward the ultimate goal, which is to become better…not bitter…to move forward…not backward…to release the past so that I can embrace the fabulous future I know God has for me…

“…and even though I’ve seen some crazy things and felt some heartache, I still believe that LOVE wins…every time…”  -Rob Hill Sr.