I Surrender

I was 20 years young.  I don’t remember the date or the time but I remember the pain just like it was yesterday.  I was lying in bed, ears full of tears as they streamed down my face.  My thoughts raced, “where is he?” “why hasn’t he returned any of my phone calls?” “I hope he’s okay.”  The “he” I’m referring to, was my boyfriend of nearly five years.  He and I were actually living together at the time but he hadn’t been home, nor had I heard from him, in days.  I was calling his phone like a crazy person, leaving messages, but all of my calls went unanswered.  I didn’t know what to do.  Then the phone rang.  I looked and saw his name flash across my cell phone screen.  Hurriedly, I answered the phone.  He said he had been staying at a friend’s home and that he wasn’t returning my calls because he “didn’t feel like being bothered with [me].”  He then proceeded to tell me he didn’t know when he was coming home and hung up the phone…and I cried…

“As we get older, we look for a man who will bestow on us a sense of beauty and belonging, a sense of being chosen and wanted…” (Renee Swope, A Confident Heart) 

I know a lot of people who read this will think I was pretty pathetic…and I was…but before I continue with my story, allow me to give you a little background…As I stated previously, my boyfriend and I had been together for nearly five years (two of which we lived together).  We met my junior year in high school and, although our relationship was full of ups and downs, we had remained pretty much inseparable since that time.  Throughout my adolescence I struggled with low self-esteem and self-worth issues…and you may as well go ahead and add middle child syndrome and Daddy issues to the list!  You see, “he” was the first person who ever made me feel beautiful…“he” was the first man who ever told me he loved me…“he” was my best friend…and, for the longest time, I thought “he” was my soul mate.  However, as time went on, my love story turned into a nightmare and, what was once an enchanting romance, became toxic and tumultuous.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m very much a realist and I knew my relationship was dying at least two years before it officially ended.  I also knew “he” and I were not compatible anymore.  He was not a bad person, by any means, but he most certainly was not the person I was supposed to end up with…this much I knew.  So, I didn’t stay with him for so many years because I was head over heels in love…I stayed because “he” was all I knew.  Our relationship had become my identity…my false God…and without it I had nothing…I was nothing.  So I stayed…even when the love began to dissipate…because to lose “he” meant to lose “us”…and to lose “us” meant I went back to being that depressed adolescent girl…with no value…curled up in the fetal position, on my canopy bed, in my one bedroom apartment…alone…

“Our hearts leak and we will always end up empty when we find our worth in anything but who we are in Christ.” (Renee Swope, A Confident Heart) 

So I cried…I cried until silent streams of tears turned into gut-wrenching sobs…I cried until it hurt…until dying began to look a lot more attractive then living.  Once I came to the realization I had hit rock bottom, I dropped down to my knees (literally), threw my hands up and cried out to God.  That following Sunday I went to church (something I hadn’t done in years) and I’ll never forget, the theme of the sermon that day was “Get up…Arise!!!”  It was as if the Lord had hand-picked the message just for me!  So, that’s just what I did…I got up….took up my mat (John 5:6-9)…and walked straight into the arms of the Lord!!!

…And then I lived happily ever after…

…Or at least I wish this was how it happened.  In her book “A Confident Heart” author Renee Swope talks about how women desire unfailing love…love that doesn’t fail even when we do…love we can never lose.  This type of love is very much what I longed for.  Yet, even after I surrendered my heart to Christ, I failed to realize Christ was the only source where I could receive this unfailing love.  So, I found myself walking with God, for years, with doubt on one shoulder and faith on the other.  You see, I had no doubt in my mind that God loved me, with an unconditional love.  However, I seriously doubted this love would be enough to fill the gaping holes in my heart.  So, I continued to search the world for something or someone that could “fill my cup.”  I was with…and I was without.  My relentless search for unfailing love led me to one toxic relationship after another until, like the Samaritan woman, I found myself right back at the well…with an empty cup and a scattered heart…Oh, but the goodness of the Lord!!!  Even in my disobedience…even in my rebellion…the Lord didn’t turn his back on me!  In fact, I could hear the voice of the Lord saying, “Return to me and I will return to you,” (Zechariah 1:3)….and when I returned to the well, Jesus was waiting there with open arms…waiting to heal my broken heart and to fill my cup with his all-conquering, everlasting, unfailing love!  Who wouldn’t serve a God like that?!!!!

I Surrender!!!


11 thoughts on “I Surrender

    • Thank you for your loving reply! I’m blessed to have you share in my journey and I appreciate your prayers! I’m praying for you as well! Be blessed:-)

  1. Love how open and honest you are about your situation. I am sure you will bless many who are going through the same thing by what you wrote!! God can certainly heal any wound if we let him.
    Prayers and hugs to you!!

  2. I have so been there honey and I even ended up marrying “him”. It has been a struggle and we are hashing it out but I feel like the real reason it is such a stuggle is because “he” ahs always been first in my life as well. I am learning through this study to change this. Thank you for sharing your story! I really felt a connection to it!

    • Kallie, it was such a blessing for me to read your response…I am so moved by your honesty and transparency. Through my experiences I have learned, whenever we put someone in the place of God, we will always wind up disappointed because man is not capable of accomplishing the things God is capable of accomplishing…It is God, and God alone, who has the power to make us whole! I also learned when we put God first and accept his grace…he teaches us how to love like He loves, that we might be able to extend that same grace to others. This has been such an amazing journey and I’m glad I was able to share a piece of my story…I’m yet praying for you and your marriage. Be Blessed:-)

  3. “Let the one who seeks not stop seeking until he finds. When he finds, he shall be troubled. When he becomes troubled, he will be amazed, and shall come to transcend all things.”

    –Jesus in the Gospel of Thomas (found in the gnostic texts along with several other books of the bible rediscovered beneath a rock in upper egypt in 1945. look up “nag hammadi” for further information).

    The “he” in that scripture can easily be replaced with a feminine pronoun all your own, because you simply embody that transcendence in so many ways. I connected to this story too, in myriad ways, and don’t know if i’m largely in awe because of the depth of vulnerability with which you shared this, or the mastery with which it is written. An excellent read, heart wrenching and opening, difficult to read at some parts, sensory and just deeply touching. I didn’t know my own sister but i love learning about her, especially through such poetic and creative means. what a blessing.

    • That was a powerful verse! Thank you for sharing that and for another beautiful response…you have been such a light and so encouraging to me throughout this journey…I thank God for you and I truly appreciate and value your feedback! I’m so blessed by how much our relationship has evolved in this season!

  4. Amen… Love this post. I surrendered to Christ when my marriage fell apart and I still wait on Him to orchestrate my steps… Only He can bring healing and restoration! Many blessings to you!!

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